.emotional detachment is the key to having successful human relationships.

I've got loads of issues running through my mind.About me.you.him.her.the past.the present.and the ever looming future.I realized that to a large extent, I have moved on.But, when it comes to trusting the opposite sex, I feel the need to be skeptical.So that comes to the crucial point, have I really moved on? In terms of feelings, I have. In terms of having another relationship, yes. But, in terms of trusting the other party, the answer would be not really or no would be a more direct answer I guess. I've had enough of broken promises, sweet nothings and what nots. What I would really appreciate would be the truth and nothing but the truth.

Met up with Gwen nn Friday Night for some acid bar-ing time. Music was not as fantastic as the previous time but there were a few good songs. It was a good meet-up for much need-ed issues before the year draws to a close. I realized that Gwen and I may be quite different in many ways but when it comes to certain issues we really think alike, issues such as relationships and friendships and trust and moremoremoremoremore. Met someone after that, and that has also set me thinking.Should I be emotionally detached?

Babe, I know its gonna be tough.But no one ever said that its gonna be easy either.Life's like a mountain. The higher you climb, the stronger the storms and the bigger the obstacles. Just remember that no matter how complex things can ever be, just remain true to yourself and what you have always believed in. Remember that I'll always be right behind you, to catch you when you stumble and fall.

As for me, I have decided that love is not that important after all. I mean, I have always thought that for a relationship to flourish, love is the most essential factor but now my thoughts have changed a little. I rather be with him because I know that he'd never cheat on me. Because I know he would never hurt me intentionally. You might say that I'm crazy for being so certain especially since I have also always said that life's unpredictable and that there are no guarantees. But you know what? For once, I am just gonna deviate from my usual train of thought and do what I feel like doing. He said he's willing to give me time and it doesn't matter if I don't love him now because he knows that someday, in someway, I will begin to love him and that's enough for him. He's one of the very few guys I have ever met who he treats me with total respect and is super honest to me. To me, 2 things are important to me while being in a relationship. Number 1:Trust.Number 2:Love. But it all boils down to me right now. No matter what I have been saying, can I really be with someone I don't have that kinda feelings for? As for the people I have liked or like, I don't have that assurance or rather that comfort feeling that he will remain true to me. Being cheated on once was more than enough and I don't need you to join the list. So FUCK off. Thanks.

But, does it all matter now? I'm just gonna work hard, party harder and get to know more people. I know this is so not me.But, who cares? My life, I live it. Whether you like it or not, I don't care.Because you never mattered or so I'm telling myself. No matter how difficult its gonna be, I am going to try and be emotionally detached. Simply because emotional detachment is the key to having successful relationships. Whether I can be emotionally detached is but yet another issue because people who know me, will know that I am very sentimental and soft-hearted. But, I am gonna try to be as detached as I can because I don't want to present you with an opportunity to hurt me.ever again.

And from that day, I realized that I can never trust you and true enough, I never can.

goodbye.

p/s: thanks for the much needed talks, especially to Gwen, Lisa, Kumar and Melissa's group. The group that feels like my parents because they care too much. But at least I know that no matter what happens, they will stay behind and clear the mess with me, when I know that you would never stay.

Goodbye.

It felt so good to cry.And let it all out.Its been 2years and 9 months since "us" became just you and me, and not "us" anymore. With the year drawing to a close I have been thinking too much about what could have been if "us" had still existed. I have forgiven but I have not forgotten.And by not forgetting, I have become numb and unfeeling towards emotions.How ironical.

I know I have to clear everything that reminds me of "us" and though I have not gotten around to doing so, I have made a promise, a promise to myself, that I will clear everything, every single fragment of everything that reminds me of "us" before the year draws to an end.This is a promise.
Yesterday, a message got deleted not by me, but by someone else.I wanted to delete another one today but I could not find that phone.The phone that holds an ocean of memories.

Thanks for the shoulder and thanks for you being you by simply just being there.
Much appreciated.

Enough of the past because now I'm looking forward to my future.The future without you.
Goodbye.

Goodbye and keep cold.

I don't know where to start.At the beginning. At the end.Or don't start at all. In my previous entry I mentioned that human relationships will always be complicating and that it will always be better to keep a safe but not so significant distance from people. Practice what you preach you all say. But one of the most difficult things to do in life is to practice exactly what you preach. I have let my guard down time and time again. The walls were brought down and my defenses were low. I should have known better than to let my guard down and allow new people to know the inner me. The innocence of friendship. Tainted? I don't know and to a small extent I wonder if i should really care because it hurts to lose a friend, a good one at that. But it all doesn't matter anymore right? Because I can't turn back time and neither can you.

And now.
This friendship has gone down the drain.
Because both you and I know that things will never be the same ever again.
I hope this makes you happy.

Goodbye and keep cold.

complicated.

Human relationships will always be complicating. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be possible to maintain friendship among a group of people without getting too close but yet not keeping a significant distance either.

"Don't let your head rule your heart
Don't let your world be torn apart
Don't keep it all to yourself
Just let all your emotions run free"

weak.

And you know what they say about the people you love the most. They have the power to hurt you the most too. We all have the choice of moving away but do our emotions allow us to do so? It is our vulnerability, our love towards the people we honestly care for that brings us down to reality. That words hurt more than actions do. Easy to say, don't let it affect you. You say that you have done it all, for issues to stop suffocating you.But the simple truth is that no matter what you say to youself or how strong you may appear to be, you will still be affected. Because you are weak. You should stop running away. Running away from the bare truth. That you have always been weak. And that you'll still be weak. Because that's who you are and just what you are. When the people around you lean on you for support, they think you're strong. Strong enough to climb the highest mountains and face the monstrous storms. Because in their eyes, you have always been the most practical and the most logical. But could it all be just a facade? As you stagger through the dark, you stumble, you fall. You pick yourself up and say that's never going to happen again because "I've been burnt once too many times". But you never learnt. Not in the past and definitely not now. But, maybe, just maybe, you are beginning to learn to stop succumbing to your vulnerability. Because, now you're beginning to feel the warmth from the pouring rain. Because, now you're in tune with the bare withered tree. All because, you have finally become distant.

cold.

I have become numb.Cold. Unfeeling.And more.Just like the blankets of snow crashing down plain glass windows, I feel covered, smothered. I stop to breathe. I stop to think. I need the warmth. I need the space. " Hold my hand and I'll guide you through", he says.But my question is how long will you stay? Like the stars that twinkle at night, will you show me some light?

Lost.

Why do we all exist? A question that remains to be answered. I have thought about my purpose. My purpose in life. My purpose in life is to be be all that I can ever be.But somewhere, something is inevitably blocking my path.I try hard to find my way through this endless maze. I try to be different.But yet, sometimes I am consumed and suffocated with this infinite amount of superficial attachments. I am lost. In this myraid of uncertainties I am meandering endlessly. Sometimes I wonder, if I do have a purpose. A purpose that would give me the light, the shine and maybe a little more. A purpose that would lead me out of this dark tunnel. I just need a little more hope. Hope, that someday I will find my true purpose instead of being blinded by the things that will never matter in the end. This continuous cycle of living life each day in the same way is getting to me. Live life differently you say. But how different can it all be you tell me.There is a limit to how much one can take and I think I am nearing that limit soon. Not now.But maybe sooner that I had initially expected.So.Save me now.Before I drown in this endless myraid of uncertainties.

Rest in peace Ganges.Rest in peace Vicky.

Someone I know had just passed away. It was not someone I really knew personally but rather I knew the person as someone who had sent me a message through friendster before.
My mind's whirling and my emotions are swirling.As many would have known,I'm rather emotional.The news of his death brought me back into time,giving me a repeated sharp glimpse of 2002.

After PSLE I deliberately chose a school that will not offer tamil as a language as I feel rather uncomfortable with indians unless I know them personally.And,if you think I'm racist against my own race,get that thought out of your head because I'M NOT!!!It was this one decision alone that made me feel kinda alone(with the exception of a few good friends) in secondary school. Secondary 1 and 2 was great but when Secondary 3 came I was at a lost because my class was generally full of racists(with the exception of a few of course).

It was at that point in time that I got to know an indian girl by the name of G from my school. Looking back, she was so not the kind of person I would click with.But,boy did we click. It was fun talking to her.I shared plenty of my innermost thoughts with her and likewise she did the same.So different yet still the same.As seconds became minutes and days became months, we grew closer and our bond stronger.I knew she had lots of family problems,being the oldest she had loads of responsibilities and never got the attention that she deserved.She would come to my place and we would just talk while watching television or playing scrabble.Or,we would meet up somewhere near her block to simply yak the day away.Whenever I was down, she lifted me up with her words,actions and advice.When she was down I tried my best to be there for her too.I can still remember the days when she would wait for me to finish class just so that we could both walk home together.In a way,she was my pillar of strength,and I was hers.This was all happening in 2001.

Then came 2002,the year she was sitting for her O levels and me, my N levels.She began to change and when i say change,i mean a real drastic change.She was still the same person towards me but I sensed that she was mixing with the wrong crowd and I was right.One day after school, we decided to walk around Tiong Bahru Plaza and that was when we happened to chance upon some of her friends and she introduced me to them.I did not feel comfortable with them but because of G I tried to adapt just so that I would not put her in a spot to choose me or her other friends.The day we chanced upon her friends in Tiong Bahru Plaza was also the day that she started keeping in touch with all of them. She did wait for me to walk back home together,she did call me and she did all the things that she was doing before she met them BUT the frequency of it was decreasing greatly.I'm not complaining that she should do more things for me and neither was I jealous of her other friends. My point is that, she was just changing.She started telling her mother that she was going out with me just so that she could go out with that bunch of people,people whom her mum had never never liked,so she had no choice but to use my name.I never agreed with what she did but then again I never told her that "hey what you're doing is wrong".So on this aspect,I'm at fault to a certain extent too.It was also in this year that Euphemia joined my class,she and I may disagree on some matters,but we both stuck together during our days with our "classmates".Even she noticed the change in G. Even before I really got close to G she already had a crush on a guy J from our school.From what I have heard and from what I was told by her and the rest, J gave her a hell of shit.It was around then that she started using the penknife on herself(Kindly note that my act of self mutilation by using a penknife occurred in 2000,hence G had absolutely no influence on my actions.Furthermore,it was an act of stupidity and as some close friends would have known,I did it because I was pressured by my school,parents,relatives and friends to excel in every other aspect of my school life.This is a story for another day,another time). By the way, J's girlfriend was G's best friend so you can imagine the sadness that G was hiding behind her smiles. One day after school, I went to G's place for lunch and after lunch G brought me to the staircase at the far end of her flat.There, she showed me scribbles on the walls,scribbles about her depression and how J had treated her. She told me that this staircase was her place,a place where she can sit and cry alone for hours whenever she is depressed.I told her that problems are inevitable and she agreed.But deep down, I knew that she was emotionally weak and that the way J was treating her made her feel like shit.

Soon after,G and I started drifting apart because I was very busy preparing for my N level exams while she was busy having fun with her bunch of friends instead of studying for her O levels.One day she called me when I was in school and surprisingly she wanted to meet up tomorrow(Saturday). But as one of my another friend had arranged to meet me so that he can teach me maths, I had to reject her offer to meet.She was fine about it and even told me that we should meet up on Sunday to which I said sure. She never did call me to confirm the plans and when I tried calling her I couldn't get through to her.

I spent my day studying at home trying to cram as much as I could for my N level prelims. Monday came and there was still no news from G. Again,I spent my day studying(in secondary school I was a nerd and I did not mind being one,in fact i still don't mind it). Tuesday came and I was in Miss Amy Ngui's english lesson when I saw my mum standing outside the door of my classroom.Deep in my heart,I knew there was something wrong. My mum spoke to Miss Amy privately and both of them kept glancing at me. Euphemia was also wondering what was happening.I was twirling my pencil between my fingers when Miss Amy came,held my shoulders and told me to take care and be strong.I packed my bag quickly and left my classroom with my mum.On the way down the staircase near my classroom,I met another one of my indian guy schoolmate by the name of V. He looked at me and at my mum who was looking very sad since I saw her in my classroom.I kept pestering my mum to tell me what was wrong and it was then that she said that G had committed suicide.

V and I were shocked.Tears kept rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't think straight. V and I held each other as weird thoughts swirled in our minds.My mum,V and I then left the school to G's place for the funeral.When I was outside her house,I started sobbing continuously because memories kept running through my head.V kept holding me while trying to be calm and strong himself.

I learnt that she told her mum that she was going out with me but the the truth was that she was with her bunch of friends because I was home the whole weekend.The bunch of friends included a girl and G's 2 ex boyfriends.It seemed that she went out with them on a Sunday and spent the night at one of the guy's house. She only came home on a Monday morning.According to G's mother, G wanted to speak to her but G's mother told her that she's too tired due to doing night shift the night before.In a short while,G's mother woke up and went to sent G's younger bother and sister to school.It was then that G called a couple of her friends and told them to take care of themselves and as well as me. She could not reach me because it was early noon that fateful Monday and I was having classes. After the calls, she jumped to her death from the kitchen window of her flat.

She had tried to commit suicide before and she told me that each time she sat on the window ledge,her younger brother or sister would stop her by saying that they loved her alot and would give her their hands for her to hold on to and this one action itself would stop her from committing the act of stupidity.After her funeral(her bunch of friends never came by the way) I happened to see the girl (J) who was in the group.We had a long long talk.She told me that certain things happened on the day they all stayed out together.Even now, when I think back of all the the things that J said,I still sense that J is hiding certain matters from me.Maybe she's feeling guilty because it was something that happened on the day they stayed out that made G commit suicide.And that something is something that happened between G and one of the guys according to the words of J.The truth will never be known but the guilt shows in their faces.What more can I say.

Whatever it is,let bygones be bygones.I'm not going to hold grudges. I'm gonna forgive because everyone deserves second chances,no one is perfect and neither am I.But forgetting is another matter by itself.

Rest in peace Ganges.
Rest in peace Vicky.

*I never once blogged about this whole incident because I just did not want to talk about this to anyone with the exception of a few friends.Now,my mind is clearer but I'm stilling feeling the pain of losing her.After her suicide, I had to go for counselling and my counsellor told me to write letters to G whenever I felt like talking to her and after which I should burn the letters so that G can actually read it. I know what she said sounds like bullshit but writing letters to G made me feel somewhat better.I can still vividly remember the day when Euphemia followed me to East Coast Park,the both of us had a long talk after which I burnt the letters which I had written for G.

*I know that all of us keep mentioning that they should not have committed suicide.No doubt committing suicide is an act of stupidity,but let us consider their feelings.Can you imagine leaving your family and friends?Imagine their inner turmoil seconds before they jumped. Put ourselves in their shoes and try to feel their pain.We all know that life is precious and I am very sure that both of them had plenty of dreams for themselves and hence would have wanted to live life to the fullest instead of ending it suddenly.But both of them also had too much of sorrow within them, and that is something that you nor me will never be able to understand.

*to all my friends out there,no matter what happens please stay strong.If ever, you guys need someone to talk to, call me or any other friends of yours.Even if its 4 or 5 in the morning, just call because I rather lose sleep than to lose a friend.When problems weigh you down, share them with someone and keep telling yourself that you are definitely STRONGER THAN ALL THE SHIT THAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU.

love,
me

Back :)

Okay, I understand that some people are kinda fustrated with the lack of updates.I have been extremely busy with work, volunteer work, giving tuition to 6 kids, making time for close friends and time for my family as well.Updates will be in point form :)

1) Got accepted into NTU Lit and I have rejected their offer even though I have the passion for the subject, simply because I don't see it as a practical link for ensuring me stability, lots of MONEY, and last but not least a wide range of job opportunities after i graduate. My mum was upset but after lots of arguments she finally got the hint that I am not going to change my mind and no matter what people say I am still going to do what I think is right. Pei Chi was also in the same situation so she rejected NTU's offer to major in Lit as well.I'm actually kinda upset because I love literature, but being torn between passion and practicalism....I had to do what I think was and is right because its MY future that we are talking about here.

2)Working for Hewlett Packard has been a BLAST. With the exception of a few yuckymucky people, I love the job and the rest of the people especially MY COC girls (Dja,Jothi,Tess,Yemin,Mas,Nadiah,Kyla and Ila) (Pei chi included as she is working me,same department with desks side by side and computers that are forever slow), Siti,Dennis(Both from SQU,if you don't know what that means,kindly go figure),some of the people from PS namely Sean and Martin and last but not least Yang and Angie who have never failed to smile and greet me whenever they see me or vice versa.

3)I have been labelled a workaholic by many and I'm beginning to think that to a very large extent it is indeed true. Besides working at Hewlett Packard, I am also giving tuition to 4 primary school kids and 2 secondary school kids after work and and also on my of days. Still doing volunteer work but the frequency of it is not as much as before due to my busy schedule and that's a sad thing because i actually LOVE doing volunteer work.

4) I have moved into my new place. Kinda like it but nothing beats my old place because all the neighbours knew one another and there was always some neighbour in my house or vice versa. I miss that place because everyone knew everyone there and I think I might just pop by some of my neighbours homes for a surprise visit soon.

5) Before June 2007 I have only clubbed about 3 times( twice with my favourite girl Kai li and the other time was with my Nokia peeps). After meeting Marziya and Yoga,(Both of them are actually the friends of Bala who happens to be my friend, if not how the hell am I supposed to know them eh?) I have officially clubbed 6 times in my whole entire life. Not saying that I'm loving it because I still believe that clubbing's not really my kinda thing,but the reason as to why I went with Marziya and Yoga is because I felt comfortable enough with them to actually have clean fun with a little alcohol.Another good thing now is the ban on smoking in all entertainment spots.

6) Since I've rejected NTU's offer, I am going to apply for all the 3 Uni's again next year and if I do fail to get into the course that I want then its either overseas or UOL(SIM) to major in economics and finance.

7) I miss going to school.I miss doing homework.I miss crapping with Yujun,Kai Li and Pei Chi. I miss going to school with Yivoon, Guang Yang, Pei Yi and the rest. I miss my classmates.I miss crapping with Gwen, all that poh chin chyes nonsense and what nots. I miss taking pictures with Shradha,all that eye shadow special and all. I miss talking with Kim and DX especially during history lectures and tutorials.I miss all the teachers who have taught A23.All in all, I miss everything from my JC days. I miss YOU KAI LI!!!!!Hope you guys are all fine :)

8) Was talking to Gwen and Jancy recently, and how true it is that people change within a short period of time.But that is life I suppose because change is the only THING that is CONSTANT. The transition of innocence to experience is inevitable as we all know anyway. If only change is
for the better and not for the worst...Oh well,I shadn't say further.

9) Next week will be my last week with Hewlett Packard.(more about that next week and I promise that i'll update)

10) Happy Belated B'dae Dja(HP), Jothi(HP), Kannan(NTU),Kumar, Ganges,Nadia(IJC) and sorry if I had forgotten anyone's b'dae besides the ones mentioned here, ice cream on me ok?

*I know the point form is not exactly like a point form,but make do with it all right?Pictures later.

love,
me!

...

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest thing to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

*i remember singing this song with Bry,Shal and the rest.Some songs have this effect of bringing me back into the past where i was always happy even though things were not going the way i wanted them too.Wouldn't life be perfect if things keep going the way we want them too? I have pondered about that and honestly if things went the way i want them too esp in the past,i wouldn't be the carefree person that i am right now.i'm not exactly sure on what is the purpose of this entry but short to say i'm rather confused or maybe confused is not the right word to describe the swirling emotions that i have within me."When everything seems like the movies,Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"

Undecided

Everyone's apply for Uni and I guess im gonna leave it to the last minute because too many thoughts are swimming in my head.I'm pretty confused but i suppose i'll just let things fall into place and hopefully everything will be fine like what my ntu friend(k) keeps saying.Thanks a million for the long talk on the day before the results and also for constantly encouraging me.everthing is much appreciated :) study hard ok?exams around the corner.Went for SIM open house y'dae with Kai Li,Pei Chi, Lindsay, Gwen and Cheryl.Realised that im interested in alot of courses but the sad thing is that courses under SIM uni is catered to working adults and hence is part-time only.But the food there was cheap and nice :)haha. After SIM,Pei Chi came over.Slacked for awhile and went to tiong bahru to watch The Pursuit of Happyness with sister and Pei Chi. Pei Chi lost $48 by the way and for those kaypohs who wanna know why/how call me or her ok?coz the story is kinda long.lol.anyways,just wanna say thanks a million to all the peeps who have been giving me sound advice and motivation to pursue my dreams.love ya lots :)

To B2: miss ya too,don't play too much mahjong ok?




"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover"-Mark Twain-

a short update

Its been months since i've blogged.About 8 months plus to be more exact.The A levels was shitty and it was especially so for the history paper i personally feel.But well,results will be out tomorrow and there's nothing much or rather NOTHING more that i can do now to save myself.As for updates as to what i've been doing after A's,I've been working for Nokia as a customer executive officer someone who is in charge of handling customer relations.Its been a great few months,made a couple of extremely good friends,people whom i'll treasure that i'm sure.Yesterday was my last official day at work, and hence to celebrate the friendship that was forged among all of us,there was a party at MOS.No doubt the work was somewhat tiring and some customers were bitchy but it was a experience that i would never forget.I've learnt alot,both good and bad.Just before i go,some pictures of the people who've made my day in one way or another for the past few months,and also some pictures of what i've been up to after the A's.anyways good luck to all those getting results tomorrow :) with love.






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