Someone I know had just passed away. It was not someone I really knew personally but rather I knew the person as someone who had sent me a message through friendster before.
My mind's whirling and my emotions are swirling.As many would have known,I'm rather emotional.The news of his death brought me back into time,giving me a repeated sharp glimpse of 2002.
After PSLE I deliberately chose a school that will not offer tamil as a language as I feel rather uncomfortable with indians unless I know them personally.And,if you think I'm racist against my own race,get that thought out of your head because I'M NOT!!!It was this one decision alone that made me feel kinda alone(with the exception of a few good friends) in secondary school. Secondary 1 and 2 was great but when Secondary 3 came I was at a lost because my class was generally full of racists(with the exception of a few of course).
It was at that point in time that I got to know an indian girl by the name of G from my school. Looking back, she was so not the kind of person I would click with.But,boy did we click. It was fun talking to her.I shared plenty of my innermost thoughts with her and likewise she did the same.So different yet still the same.As seconds became minutes and days became months, we grew closer and our bond stronger.I knew she had lots of family problems,being the oldest she had loads of responsibilities and never got the attention that she deserved.She would come to my place and we would just talk while watching television or playing scrabble.Or,we would meet up somewhere near her block to simply yak the day away.Whenever I was down, she lifted me up with her words,actions and advice.When she was down I tried my best to be there for her too.I can still remember the days when she would wait for me to finish class just so that we could both walk home together.In a way,she was my pillar of strength,and I was hers.This was all happening in 2001.
Then came 2002,the year she was sitting for her O levels and me, my N levels.She began to change and when i say change,i mean a real drastic change.She was still the same person towards me but I sensed that she was mixing with the wrong crowd and I was right.One day after school, we decided to walk around Tiong Bahru Plaza and that was when we happened to chance upon some of her friends and she introduced me to them.I did not feel comfortable with them but because of G I tried to adapt just so that I would not put her in a spot to choose me or her other friends.The day we chanced upon her friends in Tiong Bahru Plaza was also the day that she started keeping in touch with all of them. She did wait for me to walk back home together,she did call me and she did all the things that she was doing before she met them BUT the frequency of it was decreasing greatly.I'm not complaining that she should do more things for me and neither was I jealous of her other friends. My point is that, she was just changing.She started telling her mother that she was going out with me just so that she could go out with that bunch of people,people whom her mum had never never liked,so she had no choice but to use my name.I never agreed with what she did but then again I never told her that "hey what you're doing is wrong".So on this aspect,I'm at fault to a certain extent too.It was also in this year that Euphemia joined my class,she and I may disagree on some matters,but we both stuck together during our days with our "classmates".Even she noticed the change in G. Even before I really got close to G she already had a crush on a guy J from our school.From what I have heard and from what I was told by her and the rest, J gave her a hell of shit.It was around then that she started using the penknife on herself(Kindly note that my act of self mutilation by using a penknife occurred in 2000,hence G had absolutely no influence on my actions.Furthermore,it was an act of stupidity and as some close friends would have known,I did it because I was pressured by my school,parents,relatives and friends to excel in every other aspect of my school life.This is a story for another day,another time). By the way, J's girlfriend was G's best friend so you can imagine the sadness that G was hiding behind her smiles. One day after school, I went to G's place for lunch and after lunch G brought me to the staircase at the far end of her flat.There, she showed me scribbles on the walls,scribbles about her depression and how J had treated her. She told me that this staircase was her place,a place where she can sit and cry alone for hours whenever she is depressed.I told her that problems are inevitable and she agreed.But deep down, I knew that she was emotionally weak and that the way J was treating her made her feel like shit.
Soon after,G and I started drifting apart because I was very busy preparing for my N level exams while she was busy having fun with her bunch of friends instead of studying for her O levels.One day she called me when I was in school and surprisingly she wanted to meet up tomorrow(Saturday). But as one of my another friend had arranged to meet me so that he can teach me maths, I had to reject her offer to meet.She was fine about it and even told me that we should meet up on Sunday to which I said sure. She never did call me to confirm the plans and when I tried calling her I couldn't get through to her.
I spent my day studying at home trying to cram as much as I could for my N level prelims. Monday came and there was still no news from G. Again,I spent my day studying(in secondary school I was a nerd and I did not mind being one,in fact i still don't mind it). Tuesday came and I was in Miss Amy Ngui's english lesson when I saw my mum standing outside the door of my classroom.Deep in my heart,I knew there was something wrong. My mum spoke to Miss Amy privately and both of them kept glancing at me. Euphemia was also wondering what was happening.I was twirling my pencil between my fingers when Miss Amy came,held my shoulders and told me to take care and be strong.I packed my bag quickly and left my classroom with my mum.On the way down the staircase near my classroom,I met another one of my indian guy schoolmate by the name of V. He looked at me and at my mum who was looking very sad since I saw her in my classroom.I kept pestering my mum to tell me what was wrong and it was then that she said that G had committed suicide.
V and I were shocked.Tears kept rolling down my cheeks and I couldn't think straight. V and I held each other as weird thoughts swirled in our minds.My mum,V and I then left the school to G's place for the funeral.When I was outside her house,I started sobbing continuously because memories kept running through my head.V kept holding me while trying to be calm and strong himself.
I learnt that she told her mum that she was going out with me but the the truth was that she was with her bunch of friends because I was home the whole weekend.The bunch of friends included a girl and G's 2 ex boyfriends.It seemed that she went out with them on a Sunday and spent the night at one of the guy's house. She only came home on a Monday morning.According to G's mother, G wanted to speak to her but G's mother told her that she's too tired due to doing night shift the night before.In a short while,G's mother woke up and went to sent G's younger bother and sister to school.It was then that G called a couple of her friends and told them to take care of themselves and as well as me. She could not reach me because it was early noon that fateful Monday and I was having classes. After the calls, she jumped to her death from the kitchen window of her flat.
She had tried to commit suicide before and she told me that each time she sat on the window ledge,her younger brother or sister would stop her by saying that they loved her alot and would give her their hands for her to hold on to and this one action itself would stop her from committing the act of stupidity.After her funeral(her bunch of friends never came by the way) I happened to see the girl (J) who was in the group.We had a long long talk.She told me that certain things happened on the day they all stayed out together.Even now, when I think back of all the the things that J said,I still sense that J is hiding certain matters from me.Maybe she's feeling guilty because it was something that happened on the day they stayed out that made G commit suicide.And that something is something that happened between G and one of the guys according to the words of J.The truth will never be known but the guilt shows in their faces.What more can I say.
Whatever it is,let bygones be bygones.I'm not going to hold grudges. I'm gonna forgive because everyone deserves second chances,no one is perfect and neither am I.But forgetting is another matter by itself.
Rest in peace Ganges.
Rest in peace Vicky.
*I never once blogged about this whole incident because I just did not want to talk about this to anyone with the exception of a few friends.Now,my mind is clearer but I'm stilling feeling the pain of losing her.After her suicide, I had to go for counselling and my counsellor told me to write letters to G whenever I felt like talking to her and after which I should burn the letters so that G can actually read it. I know what she said sounds like bullshit but writing letters to G made me feel somewhat better.I can still vividly remember the day when Euphemia followed me to East Coast Park,the both of us had a long talk after which I burnt the letters which I had written for G.
*I know that all of us keep mentioning that they should not have committed suicide.No doubt committing suicide is an act of stupidity,but let us consider their feelings.Can you imagine leaving your family and friends?Imagine their inner turmoil seconds before they jumped. Put ourselves in their shoes and try to feel their pain.We all know that life is precious and I am very sure that both of them had plenty of dreams for themselves and hence would have wanted to live life to the fullest instead of ending it suddenly.But both of them also had too much of sorrow within them, and that is something that you nor me will never be able to understand.
*to all my friends out there,no matter what happens please stay strong.If ever, you guys need someone to talk to, call me or any other friends of yours.Even if its 4 or 5 in the morning, just call because I rather lose sleep than to lose a friend.When problems weigh you down, share them with someone and keep telling yourself that you are definitely STRONGER THAN ALL THE SHIT THAT LIFE THROWS AT YOU.
love,
me
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